early exit?

so i may be leaving edinburgh early. i was originally scheduled to leave on the 4th, but i'm just not having fun. it's chilly and rainy out right now, so i've taken refuge at my hostel and snagged a computer to entertain me.

i'm not sure what's wrong. well, i guess i do know. i feel down, one of those days where my life just feels pointless.

to start, i don't know what's in store for my future, career-wise. i have a lot of mixed feelings about the past two weeks. i'm trying to be excited about editing the show, but this year's one just doesn't have me jacked like BBII did. and no one is going to like this as much as BBIII, which is the most popular show we've ever done. of course, it's the only one of the BBs i did NOT work on. nice, eh? even my best friends watched III and were all jacked about it, but they didn't like the one i worked on.

furthermore, i'm bummed about j. i wish i felt alive with energy, so i could just travel and explore edinburgh, go to clubs and flirt with scottish girls. but my confidence is gone and i just feel kinda heartbroken right now.

edinburgh

so, i'm off to edinburgh in the morning. the shoot is over. went well. glad it's over though. now i'll enough my freedom in scotland for the rest of the week, and then head home. once i get there, i start post-production, which will last till december, meaning i'll have very little if any life for the next six months. why? cause i edit at night. arin and i share editing duties, but she hates working nights. she has theatre rehearsal and a boyfriend, so she has some shit going on. so i'm the nice guy and i work nights. truth be told, i am more creative at night. i just wish i was as motivated this year...

oh, and today's my birthday...the first birthday of my life where literally not one human being said 'happy birthday' aloud to me. my dad sent me an email...that was all (didn't get to talk to him on the phone). that's okay, i'm not complaing. i'm really not. i didn't want anyone on the shoot to know, for obvious reasons...

done

this shoot has been a roller coaster emotionally, and it's all due to the fact that i'm just too fucking sensitive. two nights ago, j and i were both downstairs in the hotel bar with other crew members, and we ended up just talking one-on-one. it was one of those awesome converstaions where you're talking with someone and the energy is perfect between you, and you could just talk all night. we only stopped because it was getting late, most of the rest of the crew had gone to bed, and we had an early call time.

she told me all about the italian guy, and how he was annoying her and how she thought he was gross and unattractive. he told her "you're missing out on one of the greatest nights of your life!" and she wanted to laugh in his face.

so all that made me feel good. nothing happened between them. great. but my good feelings were short lived.

yesterday (wednesday) we were able to tape two shows, so jay and paul gave the crew thursday off. and of course, a day off thursday means lots of drinking wednesday night (last night).

on the driving range, j was like, |"we should walk over to a nearby bar". i said sure. well, it was a long day taping two shows, and at nine p.m. i decided to take a 30 minute nap, cause i knew i wanted to stay up late. but i fucked up and set my alarm for 9:30 A.M., and before i knew it i awoke at 2 A.M. and went downstairs and had missed the whole night. she never called my room, no one did. lots of crew members went, but i wasn't missed. that alone felt shitty enough.

this morning, rumors were flying rampant over a few people hooking up. guess where this is going? yeah, pretty predictable.

i was told j hooked up with adrian, who's about 31, very good looking. he's one of the two scottish caddies we cast for the show. he has a thick accent, and women love him.

i had to interview adrian this afternoon (interviews were the only thing we shoot today), and i found him on the back terrace at 12:45. he was hungover, badly. we were joking as i walked him to my interview room. this was before i was told the rumor, so i didn't know shit. i asked him if he hooked up with anyone on the crew, and he paused. he was vague. i never got a straight answer. i just had a bad feeling inside right away. he left me with the impression he didn't.

so then an hour later arin tells me what she heard. she knows i like j. and then i got to spend the rest of my precious day off feeling shitty inside.

in that hour between the interview with adrian and seeing arin, i bumped into j. we talked, and she wanted the cell number i'm using while here in the u.k. she was like, "i'll call you later this afternoon". i think she wanted to hang out or something. i was going with arin to explore dundee, the nearest city, about 40 mins away. j actually had some work stuff to do all afternoon, so she couldn't go with us.

anyway, on the ride i get the news.

so here's my take: maybe she did hook up with him, maybe she didn't. but this much i can be certain of: they HAD to be flirting and talking at the bar to give the crew reason to at least start the rumor. obviously, there was enough interaction to get people talking.

thus, after much thought, i have come to realize that this happened for a reason. everything...me setting the alarm wrong, her not calling my room to see where i was, me hearing the rumor this afternoon, etc. it's happening to test me, on a lot of different levels, but the main one is to see if i can really handle being in a relationship again. obviously, i can not.

i feel awful inside, and we've never even dated. can you imagine how awful i'd feel if we were together, and she cheated on me like my last girlfriend? i can't stand the thought of her being with someone else right now.

there's four days left of this shoot. i just have to get through it, and then i'm onto edinburgh. the key is when we do talk, i need to keep reminding myself not to trust what i'm feeling, because it's all bullshit that is only on one end.

for a long time i've been telling myself i should, once and for all, just make a rule i will not date anyone, no matter what, for six months. it's time to just do it.

and the timing is perfect, with my birthday a few days away. i'll just focus on self-improvement until the end of 2005.

i know no one is going to probably read this monster posting, but i needed to get it out. this blog is really for me, you know?

so, that's it. i'm done.

hmmm...

i'm weak. i am. i'll admit it. i didn't say a word to j all day again today, and then late in the day today i started feeling badly about it. she came over to me in the morning, and we exchanged like 2 sentences before i smoothly walked away after a friendly exchange. then i didn't say a word to her all day until the evening. and that was brief. but i was friendly. i can't NOT be friendly to her, you know?

several times today during the shoot, she came over and stood in my area, but i just never looked her way. the immature ego of mine is wondering if she's noticed and/or cared that i'm not talking to her like i had been doing. hmmm...

but i'm weak. now i'm feeling bad inside, like i'm a jerk just playing games. i'm really not, though. i've been staying away from her cause when i talk to her i just end up liking her more and more, and that's probably not good for me. i don't think there's much going on between her and the italian dude, but that doesn't really matter. the effect she has on me she has on every guy, i think. and they're all hoping she likes them, you know? and i just can't imagine she'll like me more than all the rest. so i guess i'm just using this as some sort of lame test to see if she even notices i'm not talking to her like i was. you know, to see if she misses it something? i don't know. lame? yes, but maybe i'll learn something from it.

the truth is, i think i figured out why i really like her. she's attractive and all, but i think what draws me to her is think she's just got a really sweet heart that bruises easy. she's kind of tender. she's just the sweetest girl. she told me she hasn't dated anyone in three years. her last relationship messed up her up. even though she's beautiful, i don't think she feels good about her looks, because she fights bad acne, like i do sometimes. trust me...having the acne gene is no fun, and her and i relate on that matter. so i know she has low self-esteem issues.

that's why i was stunned the other night. i just couldn't picture her doing anything both casual AND sexual with some guy she just met. but who knows, right? i'm certain much ado was made about nothing by yours truly, but a little doubt still does linger.

anyway, i guess i'll just keep maintaining a low profile and whatever happens, happens. but it's hard, cause i really did like talking to her throughout the day. i wonder if she did...

renewing

so, my crush on j turned sour. she's been flirting with one of our foriegn golfers at night, after shooting. i only have one friend on set i can talk to about it, andy, our tape producer. he's cool. he's from new hampshire, like me. he's actually a freelance avid editor we use, and he'll be my main editor when we get pack in post-production for the next 5 months. he's older, like early 40s. we get along great, and he and i talked at length about j two days ago.

this morning, i told him some of the rumors i had heard and he said he had been hearing the same stuff. then he said he was gonna talk to her about it. he, too, like every guy i suppose, has had a crush on her, but there's such an age difference he doesn't actually want to get with her or anything. he just cares about her, and if she takes this too far, she could really make a mistake, professionally and possibly personnally as well.

j got mad at him. she said nothing had happened, blah, blah, blah. then she wanted to know who had said stuff to him, and he just said more than one perosn had said something, and people we're thinking stuff.

i spent the whole day avoiding her, and she obviously could tell. i'm sure she now assumes i'm one of the people who said something to andy, but so what?

the fact is, i need to pull away, cause the odds are WAY stacked this thing will end with me getting hurt. no matter what i do, it's wrong. i can't tell her i like her, cause that NEVER works. i can't just be friendly, cause then she assumes i'm not interested. there's no winning this. so i just need to move on and firmly put her in 'friends' status, and i think the best way to do that is what i did today. tomorrow, i won't make such an effort to avoid her, cause i want to be mature (too late for that, right?). but now that i had a day without speaking to her, from this point on, if the conversation is sparse, it won't seem so weird.

i honestly do want her as friend, so i just need some adjustment time. i'll get there...

blah

not sure what's wrong with me. today was our first day of shooting, and i feel shitty inside. i'm just not feeling very important here, and it's really effecting me. i'm basically just here to do interviews and then edit the show when we get back, but the fact is anybody could do either of those things. i don't know. i just feel crappy inside, and i don't have anybody here i can talk to, not that i'd want to. i guess what's bothering me is that i got promoted to producer a few months back, but here i am, doing the exact same job i was a year ago. nothing's changed. i'm basically still an AP on this show. i was promoted cause did such a great job posting BBII, but now that doesn't matter. the show became a formula with III and now anybody could do the AP role.

plus, it doesn't help the food sucks over here. the scottish diet is disgusting. i have no one i can vent to except my stupid blog. j is being sweet to me, but i wish she wouldn't. it may well be she's just nice and isn't interested in me, and i hope that's the case, cause when i get moody like this i don't want to contaminate anyone else's life. ugh. it's just day one of the shoot and i'm already down. i need to find a way to get happy again and fast...cause i don't hide this moody bullshit well at all. i've got to find a way to put on a happy face for the rest of the night, and then i can sulk plenty when i'm a lone later tonight....

outta here

leaving for scotland first thing in the morning, and i won't return until the 4th of july.

just got back from a haircut. now it's time to pack, send off a few emails, make a couple phone calls, load up my ipod, and then hopefully have time to hit the bookstore later tonight for a relaxing coffee while reading up some more on edinburgh.

i'm leaving my ibook at home, but hopefully i can jump on our work computer and post every few days. once the shoot is over and i'm in edinburgh, i'll have internet access at the hostel i'm staying at.

i'll be gone from the u.s. for three weeks! 21 days abroad! the shoot itself will be hard work, but fun work, nonetheless. the people we picked for this year's show have cool personalities (especially the europeans). the crew is cool too. lots of guys i've worked with many times before...plus some nice newcomers to this year's crew...including my latest crush, j. yeah...she'll be there. two plus weeks of seeing her everyday :)

she doesn't work on my show or in my department, but we're bringing her along as an extra set of hands. she's never been involved with a production anywhere close to this magnitude, but she'll do fine. she's a hard worker. it'll be a good experience for her.

i'm just hoping it doesn't rain TOO much. and, i hope we get filling vegetarian meals. the operative word being FILLING. lots of times the vegetarian box lunches are a little on the light side. aside from that, i have a good feeling about this year's show. it won't be as popular as the last one, but it will be better quality, so that's something...

peacock

just got back from the peacock room. ugh. myrna and marley were djing, and after two hours of hearing that smooth, soulful female vocal shit that has no balls, i had to leave. i couldn't listen to another minute of it. i had met up with lauressa and courtney, but they were late. they didn't get there until midnight...i got there before 11, and almost left when all of a sudden they showed. so i heard two hours of that stuff. then i had to bail. sorry girls...that's what you get for taking forever to show up...

sex dream

i had a cool yet frustrating sex dream last night. i was at a party, out on the patio with a group of co-workers. all of a sudden these three hot girls showed up. i guess the party was at my place, cause i took them inside the house. then one of the girls tells me why she came: to have sex with me.

but here's the catch: she said she wanted to have sex, and then i would never see her again. she asked if i would do it. i remember in my dream thinking, "sex would be great but i don't know her. i just met her. what if i catch something from her?" so i told her i needed to think about it. then she said she'd come back later for my decision...but before leaving she came up to me and kissed me. i responded by kissing her neck and then we made out some more. at this point, i remember in the dream i started running my hands up and down her smooth hips and ass cheeks while we kissed. we were now both naked (you know how in dreams, you can just go from wearing clothes to being naked without any actual removing of clothes?)

her silky smooth hips and ass felt great. i remember that i was caressing her body very slowly and sensually as we stood there and kissed. after we kissed like this for a few more moments, we got onto a bed and she straddled me. now, the tip of my cock was rubbing up against her vagina...but i didn't enter. i kept pushing it up against her pussy, and with my erection i could feel that her pussy lips were very moist as i kept flirting with entering her. but i didn't penetrate. we we're still kissing the whole time. then she got off me and said she'd come back later and hopefully i'd want to have sex with her.

i don't know why she wanted sex with me and then would never see me again. that was never explained in the dream. i guess it was either cause she just wanted my seed and that was all or she was just plain horny. not sure.

so, after she left me on the bed, i stayed there and started masturbating. i remember, in the dream, being lost in my own erotic world. i was stroking myself with one hand while caressing my body with my other hand. and then i heard a noise. i opened my eyes and sat up on the bed and saw one of the other three girls that had come to the party with the girl that wanted to have sex with me. she was watching me. then she turned and ran and i immediately got up and ran after her. i asked her about her friend, and whether i should fuck her. and then she said, "i'd stay away from that girl if i were you!." "why?" "just stay away from her. trust me."

then she took off and i was standing there (now i think my clothes were back on) and i was thinking, "what am i gonna do? she's gonna be back any minute?!"

AND THEN I WOKE UP!!!

UGH!!!

i tried getting back to sleep immediately, but i'm sure you know how that goes...

i wonder if this has to do with my current confusion over j, my co-worker. yesterday, we talked a BUNCH at work and i do think she likes me. she was so cute yesterday. she was frustrated with her freelance editor, and how the session was going, she wasn't feeling creative, and then she went to lunch by herself. she was bummed out, and then she tells me this and i'm like, "well, i would've gone to lunch with you." "yeah, well, i though about asking you but... i don't know why i didn't...". basically, she was all shy and shit. it was endearing, not sure why, but those moments of vulnerablity are attractive, sometimes. she wears her emotions on her sleeve, for sure.

so, back to the dream i had last night: maybe the dream was telling me to stay away from j. not sure. or maybe the dream has nothing to do with real life, and i simply had it because i'm fucking horny.

confused

haven't been blogging for the past few days. i've been out of it. kinda bummed and stressed over a few things.

since shelley passed away, i've been really thinking a lot about the things she used to say to me. i got out a few of my journals and read notes that i wrote after some of our sessions together. thankfully i did that.

one thing i've been stressing over is whether it's smart to date someone that works with you. i seem to be getting closer to a younger lady i work with, and i kinda sense she likes me. it's VERY rare that i actually think that; usually i assume the girl does not like me. this one might be different. still not sure though. anyway, i know it's probably stupid to even consider her. i've never dated anyone i work with, in my whole life, and it may not be a wise move to start now.

still, since it's hard enough finding that mutual attraction with someone cool, should one place rules around such matters?

i'm confused...

shelley

got some sad news this morning. my spiritual teacher/counseler shelley, who i saw from january '03 until she moved to california last fall, passed away last night. she was only in her early 50s, but she had cancer and i guess she really went downhill after she moved to california to live with her daughter.

shelley was an amazing soul. she overcame a lot. she was sexually abused as a child and then her ex-husband was an alcoholic. she was also dyslexic, yet after she finally left her bad marriage at around age 40, she taught herself universal law, reading tons of books, and became a counseler.

i think about stuff she said to me all the time. even weirder, as i was having coffee this morning, i thought about her and thought that i should call her this weekend to see how see how she was doing. then i got the sad news from a mutual friend about an hour later.

when i've been really mixed up, she's the one i call. she always said, "there's two ways to look at things...from an earthly perspective, or from a spiritual perspective." 99% of people only see things from an earthly perspective. she taught me to do otherwise.

when my mom died last year, she was there for me like crazy, very much in a motherly way. all throughout that awful week, i kept calling her from new hampshire, at times when i didn't think i could get through what i was going through. i was lucky...so lucky...to have her during that. and then when zoe cheated on me and left me a month later, she helped me get through that. that was the worst month of my life (my cat even died too). shelley was amazing in how she saw everything.

i know i'll never have another teacher like her. she always had so much belief in my potential. i hope for the rest of my life i can live up to what she saw in me. hopefully she'll be able to see it, from wherever she is now.

i'll do my best. i'll miss you, shelley...