hmmm...

i'm weak. i am. i'll admit it. i didn't say a word to j all day again today, and then late in the day today i started feeling badly about it. she came over to me in the morning, and we exchanged like 2 sentences before i smoothly walked away after a friendly exchange. then i didn't say a word to her all day until the evening. and that was brief. but i was friendly. i can't NOT be friendly to her, you know?

several times today during the shoot, she came over and stood in my area, but i just never looked her way. the immature ego of mine is wondering if she's noticed and/or cared that i'm not talking to her like i had been doing. hmmm...

but i'm weak. now i'm feeling bad inside, like i'm a jerk just playing games. i'm really not, though. i've been staying away from her cause when i talk to her i just end up liking her more and more, and that's probably not good for me. i don't think there's much going on between her and the italian dude, but that doesn't really matter. the effect she has on me she has on every guy, i think. and they're all hoping she likes them, you know? and i just can't imagine she'll like me more than all the rest. so i guess i'm just using this as some sort of lame test to see if she even notices i'm not talking to her like i was. you know, to see if she misses it something? i don't know. lame? yes, but maybe i'll learn something from it.

the truth is, i think i figured out why i really like her. she's attractive and all, but i think what draws me to her is think she's just got a really sweet heart that bruises easy. she's kind of tender. she's just the sweetest girl. she told me she hasn't dated anyone in three years. her last relationship messed up her up. even though she's beautiful, i don't think she feels good about her looks, because she fights bad acne, like i do sometimes. trust me...having the acne gene is no fun, and her and i relate on that matter. so i know she has low self-esteem issues.

that's why i was stunned the other night. i just couldn't picture her doing anything both casual AND sexual with some guy she just met. but who knows, right? i'm certain much ado was made about nothing by yours truly, but a little doubt still does linger.

anyway, i guess i'll just keep maintaining a low profile and whatever happens, happens. but it's hard, cause i really did like talking to her throughout the day. i wonder if she did...