renewing

so, my crush on j turned sour. she's been flirting with one of our foriegn golfers at night, after shooting. i only have one friend on set i can talk to about it, andy, our tape producer. he's cool. he's from new hampshire, like me. he's actually a freelance avid editor we use, and he'll be my main editor when we get pack in post-production for the next 5 months. he's older, like early 40s. we get along great, and he and i talked at length about j two days ago.

this morning, i told him some of the rumors i had heard and he said he had been hearing the same stuff. then he said he was gonna talk to her about it. he, too, like every guy i suppose, has had a crush on her, but there's such an age difference he doesn't actually want to get with her or anything. he just cares about her, and if she takes this too far, she could really make a mistake, professionally and possibly personnally as well.

j got mad at him. she said nothing had happened, blah, blah, blah. then she wanted to know who had said stuff to him, and he just said more than one perosn had said something, and people we're thinking stuff.

i spent the whole day avoiding her, and she obviously could tell. i'm sure she now assumes i'm one of the people who said something to andy, but so what?

the fact is, i need to pull away, cause the odds are WAY stacked this thing will end with me getting hurt. no matter what i do, it's wrong. i can't tell her i like her, cause that NEVER works. i can't just be friendly, cause then she assumes i'm not interested. there's no winning this. so i just need to move on and firmly put her in 'friends' status, and i think the best way to do that is what i did today. tomorrow, i won't make such an effort to avoid her, cause i want to be mature (too late for that, right?). but now that i had a day without speaking to her, from this point on, if the conversation is sparse, it won't seem so weird.

i honestly do want her as friend, so i just need some adjustment time. i'll get there...