done

this shoot has been a roller coaster emotionally, and it's all due to the fact that i'm just too fucking sensitive. two nights ago, j and i were both downstairs in the hotel bar with other crew members, and we ended up just talking one-on-one. it was one of those awesome converstaions where you're talking with someone and the energy is perfect between you, and you could just talk all night. we only stopped because it was getting late, most of the rest of the crew had gone to bed, and we had an early call time.

she told me all about the italian guy, and how he was annoying her and how she thought he was gross and unattractive. he told her "you're missing out on one of the greatest nights of your life!" and she wanted to laugh in his face.

so all that made me feel good. nothing happened between them. great. but my good feelings were short lived.

yesterday (wednesday) we were able to tape two shows, so jay and paul gave the crew thursday off. and of course, a day off thursday means lots of drinking wednesday night (last night).

on the driving range, j was like, |"we should walk over to a nearby bar". i said sure. well, it was a long day taping two shows, and at nine p.m. i decided to take a 30 minute nap, cause i knew i wanted to stay up late. but i fucked up and set my alarm for 9:30 A.M., and before i knew it i awoke at 2 A.M. and went downstairs and had missed the whole night. she never called my room, no one did. lots of crew members went, but i wasn't missed. that alone felt shitty enough.

this morning, rumors were flying rampant over a few people hooking up. guess where this is going? yeah, pretty predictable.

i was told j hooked up with adrian, who's about 31, very good looking. he's one of the two scottish caddies we cast for the show. he has a thick accent, and women love him.

i had to interview adrian this afternoon (interviews were the only thing we shoot today), and i found him on the back terrace at 12:45. he was hungover, badly. we were joking as i walked him to my interview room. this was before i was told the rumor, so i didn't know shit. i asked him if he hooked up with anyone on the crew, and he paused. he was vague. i never got a straight answer. i just had a bad feeling inside right away. he left me with the impression he didn't.

so then an hour later arin tells me what she heard. she knows i like j. and then i got to spend the rest of my precious day off feeling shitty inside.

in that hour between the interview with adrian and seeing arin, i bumped into j. we talked, and she wanted the cell number i'm using while here in the u.k. she was like, "i'll call you later this afternoon". i think she wanted to hang out or something. i was going with arin to explore dundee, the nearest city, about 40 mins away. j actually had some work stuff to do all afternoon, so she couldn't go with us.

anyway, on the ride i get the news.

so here's my take: maybe she did hook up with him, maybe she didn't. but this much i can be certain of: they HAD to be flirting and talking at the bar to give the crew reason to at least start the rumor. obviously, there was enough interaction to get people talking.

thus, after much thought, i have come to realize that this happened for a reason. everything...me setting the alarm wrong, her not calling my room to see where i was, me hearing the rumor this afternoon, etc. it's happening to test me, on a lot of different levels, but the main one is to see if i can really handle being in a relationship again. obviously, i can not.

i feel awful inside, and we've never even dated. can you imagine how awful i'd feel if we were together, and she cheated on me like my last girlfriend? i can't stand the thought of her being with someone else right now.

there's four days left of this shoot. i just have to get through it, and then i'm onto edinburgh. the key is when we do talk, i need to keep reminding myself not to trust what i'm feeling, because it's all bullshit that is only on one end.

for a long time i've been telling myself i should, once and for all, just make a rule i will not date anyone, no matter what, for six months. it's time to just do it.

and the timing is perfect, with my birthday a few days away. i'll just focus on self-improvement until the end of 2005.

i know no one is going to probably read this monster posting, but i needed to get it out. this blog is really for me, you know?

so, that's it. i'm done.